I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
