11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
