Need sex. Gaining weight.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
