best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
