sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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