If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
someone owes me an orgasm
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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