Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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