Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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