You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
