I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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