i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
