ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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