i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
