so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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