Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
