??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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