I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
