I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
