The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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