Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
