Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
