i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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