i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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