Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
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