Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
