whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
