My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
