Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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