My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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