somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I intend to get homeless drunk
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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