there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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