so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
