guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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