Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
