i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
