i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
