just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
