Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
