I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...
A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
