That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
