I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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