apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
