just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
