ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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