just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
