oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
