There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
