what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
NoShamevember. You game?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
