When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
