Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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